Voices: Trump canceled his January 6 speech — but luckily we know what he’s planning anyway

2022 is already off to a good start because Trump has canceled his January 6 anniversary press conference. No doubt, all American cable and broadcast news networks would have carried the presser live; because why stop the spread of misinformation when you can make money selling airtime to Viagra advertisers? I’m sure they’re mourning the loss of those big bucks today, as we mourn the near-loss of democracy.

After living through four years of a Trump presidency, we know that he’s erratic and impulsive, so the fact that he canceled his press conference isn’t too surprising. But it does beg the question: Why did he cancel? The world’s eyes were on him — and the man’s not usually one for shying away from the limelight.

Perhaps the former president canceled because Don Jr booked Mar-A-Lago to celebrate his engagement to Kimberly Guilfoyle. Why use your oceanfront private club for publicity when you can rent it out to your son and fund your legal defense instead January 6 also happens to be Eric Trump’s birthday. But the notion that Eric’s father might cancel a press conference to spend the day with his deadbeat son is the epitome of fake news. Especially since Eric apparently rejected his father’s request to change his first name to Donald and his date of birth to June 14, 1946 in order to make himself the target of the lawsuits that Capitol police officers are filing against the former president. (Eric Trump argued that this would be fraud, but his father insisted it’s called doing business).

Senator Lindsey Graham is taking credit for convincing Trump to cancel the press conference over a round of golf over the weekend. The ex-pres said in a statement that “the Unselect Committee of Democrats, two failed Republicans and the Fake News Media” had forced him to move his planned rally to January 15th. You know it’s slim pickings when you’re taking credit for an online statement that claims “the LameStream media will not report the facts”, but I suppose Graham has to take what he can get these days.

Despite Graham’s claims, rumors suggest that Trump actually canceled once he learnt that he would be competing for airtime with President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris, who are also scheduled to speak at the same time. Luckily, everyone’s favorite blond-haired, right-wing firebrand has gotten to be pretty predictable, so we can well imagine what he’ll say come the 15th.

Beyond his usual rants about a stolen election, fake news, Capitol rioters being innocent tourists, and asserting that Chris and Andrew Cuomo are fascists because they’re direct descendants of Mussolini, Trump will probably use the rally to introduce former Congressman Devin Nunes, the new CEO of the Trump Media and Technology Group. Because yet another streaming service is exactly what America needs right now, Devin Nunes will be overseeing the launch of riveting new original programming. One can imagine the types of content: “Liberty Lovers”, a docuseries about men who insist that the First Amendment includes the freedom to sexually assault anyone so long as you’re famous; or maybe “America’s Got Freedom”, a show just like NBC’s “America’s Got Talent”, except that contestants must insult Ted Cruz’s wife and/or the late John McCain in front of a panel of judges. I’d also wager we’ll see something along the lines of “1619 Project Debunked”, an Oliver North-led documentary that argues slavery was not racist because white people are still being owned today (case in point: Trump owns Lindsey Graham and Ted Cruz.)

Ever the grifter, I imagine Trump will also claim that theme parks have a liberal bias at the Arizona rally, in order to justify the launch of another Florida theme park: MAGAworld. So buckle up for attractions like Freedom-quest (clay pigeon shooting but instead of clay pigeons, participants shoot Covid vaccines) and It’s A Big World (just like the It’s A Small World ride at Disneyland, but riders get to pick the next country that Ted Cruz disappears to).

It’s clear US democracy is in grave peril, with most Americans oblivious to the fact that their country is backsliding towards autocracy. But who cares when there’s so much fun to be had?!