I Want to Do the Exact Wrong Thing With My Gynecologist—and I Think He Wants It Too
This is part of Help! Wanted, a special series from Slate advice. In the advising biz, there are certain eternal dilemmas that bedevil letter writers and columnists alike. This week, we’re taking them head-on.
Sometimes, Rich and Stoya have problems of their own. This week, Stoya came to Rich in need of some advice with a personal How to Do It dilemma. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Rich,
So I have a question of my own: My ultra-hot gynecologist, who is a very good doctor as far as the things I need in one, let slip that he is single and told me I was a very attractive woman today. A great gyno is way more important than my carnal and romantic urges here. And I know I’m in a rebound city—I’ve just had a breakup. My gyno has to swab me again in about six weeks or I have to find a new one. And I don’t know how this isn’t going to be inappropriate on my end, as far as a, well, a response from me, if he’s going inside my vagina. I feel like a Penthouse letter or a fake advice letter. But it’s real, and it’s a problem.
—Stoya
Rich: Oh my. I mean it’s already inappropriate on his end, right?
Stoya: Great point. He is deeply less fuckable now. But also … really fuckable.
Rich: I did once hook up with a urologist that treated me in his office.
Stoya: OMG.
Rich: Yeah one and the same. I didn’t see him again after that, it felt too weird to go back, but I did enjoy it.
Stoya: What’s the edge of consent to inappropriate that is… appropriate? And (just feeling out options while telegraphing my favorite) I could absolutely acknowledge that he opened a door he shouldn’t have, find a different gyno, and write him a letter asking if he’d like to hook up once so I can get it out of my system. OR I could write a letter without doing it, which could increase or decrease the problem.
Rich: I think your favorite option is probably the right one.
Stoya: It is a very me thing to do, which raises the question of why I’m like this.
Rich: It’s practical! Yet wild!
Stoya: Practical yet wild feels pretty acceptable and appropriate.
Rich: Absolutely. Honestly, it sounds mostly exciting to me.
Stoya: It sounds really fun. I could go to the appointment, tell him I need a recommendation for another gyno, and give him a short letter with my phone number. That feels like the least invasive/coercive option if I must do something other than ghost him.
Rich: Yes, that sounds right.
Stoya: Given that I need a recommendation and he is in the middle of treating me, and the loss of the opportunity to see if he’s interested once I’ve clearly left him as a client, there are several reasons not to ghost. Given that he opened the door that shouldn’t have been opened, he’d also be likely to assume things, and it’s a small city. Like, he’s the local pharmacist’s husband’s brother. To whom I blurted, “He’s so hot” when she mentioned him. So, I might as well address it directly.
Rich: I think so. The cat is basically out of the bag.
Stoya: And I can’t keep seeing him, right? As a patient.
Rich: Right. It’s too dicey.
Stoya: Yup, it would be inappropriate of me. Am I trying to control the situation by doing this in person rather than by email?
Rich: I think he has way more responsibility here, but since you’re aware, it’s wise to pump the brakes. I think in person is always preferable but an email would totally work too.
Stoya: I’ll talk to my local friends about the cultural context. And thank you for the reminder about his responsibilities here.
Rich: Good idea. And of course! I am always here for a sexual dilemma, even in our own house.
After 26 years my wife kicked me out. She gave me many reasons, sex being one of them. Her biggest complaint: My penis is much too long and thick. It takes me over two hours to reach climax, and I usually want it again right after. She used to tell me I should be a porn star, but she doesn’t seem to like my size and stamina anymore. Here’s my problem…
