Wayne and Wanda: My girlfriend's attempts at TikTok fame are ruining our relationship

Jan. 20—Dear Wayne and Wanda,

My girlfriend and I, both late 20s and mostly happy in our relationship that is leading toward marriage, are suddenly navigating the treacherous waters of her newfound obsession with finding some TikTok fame. It all started with standard random and innocent content, but now it feels like I'm a prisoner in her flailing reality show.

She has no "thing" that makes her stand out. Date night recaps, Netflix true crime reviews, dance routines du jour, and unfunny pranks — she does it all. And our once-private moments are now on public display (though not exactly to OnlyFans levels), like morning blanket pulls to wake me up for dad jokes or cold coffee for laughs.

Despite her best efforts and endless hours spent scrolling TikTok for inspiration and ideas to recycle, her content is not interesting, funny or original, and even her friends cringe in sympathetic embarrassment or unspoken boredom at some posts. While I respected her perseverance and attempt to try something new and fun, I'm now frustrated that this isn't going anywhere and taking away from the genuinely important aspects of her life.

I repeat: Our life together is otherwise excellent. She has a fulfilling job and a fantastic circle of family and friends, and we share a love for soccer — the sport that brought us and many friends together many years ago. Yet, her current fixation eats up the time she once spent enjoying this life, or even intrudes on it as she turns it into "content."

I've expressed my concerns, aiming for the delicate balance between honesty and kindness. However, she's not getting gentle nudges. Now, I grapple with bursting her bubble and risk hurting her feelings or letting the spectacle play out for who knows how long to either a fiery train wreck or a quiet thud.

Should I stage a social media intervention, urging her to redirect her time and attention back to the joys of her and our lives? Or gently guide her away from the chase of virtual fame that I honestly don't think will ever come?

Any insights on this situation and how I should navigate the dance between dreams and reality?

Wanda says:

Since debuting in 2016, TikTok has taken the internet by storm, with no signs of letting up. Swept along in its mighty winds are a slew of content posters that range from the truly famous to the wannabe influencer to the downright obscure. Now and then, lighting strikes, catapulting some unknown teenager or housewife into the stratosphere. Perhaps its videos appeal to the short attention spans of today's content snackers who lack of appetite for longer viewing commitment. I've never taken to it, but there's no denying its allure.

TikTok, in a way, is like buying a lottery ticket, trying to write an award-winning novel, or heading to Hollywood for a hand at acting: It's another version of the American dream, a venue where thousands and thousands will dip and dabble, and only a select few will strike gold. But that's the key: only a select few. Most people will only entertain themselves (and possibly annoy their significant others) as they churn out what is essentially generic and uninspired content that only a mother could love.

Your annoyance is understandable. And it's perfectly normal in a relationship — especially a comfortable, settled, longer-term and well-established commitment — that we've defined some behavior in our partner that is puzzling, perturbing or problematic. It becomes an issue when that behavior is harming one's self or the relationship as a whole. For instance, I am irritated when my husband hollers at the TV when his fantasy football players are underperforming, but in the grand scheme, it isn't hurting anyone.

Your girlfriend's TikTok enthusiasm isn't infectious, but it's hers, and it's appearing to bring her joy. Has it reached a level where it's truly negatively impacting your potential for long-term happiness? If so, then yes, it's time for straight talk. And I bet Wayne is full of ideas on how to approach that!

Wayne says:

Well yes, I do, Wanda. But first, I can't knock someone adopting an outlet (creative or otherwise) for expression, exploration, or simply getting a break from the draining stresses and routines of daily life. They can provide a healthy balance to a fulfilling existence. Also in agreement with you, though, is the recognition of crossing a line where engaging in that outlet turns into overindulgence or obsession that takes away from the day job that's paying the bills, leads to neglecting friends and loved ones, abuses people (for content and clicks, in this case), and gets into gray areas of health, secrecy, legality and morality.

Your girlfriend has quickly gone from seeing the line to straddling it to running over it and not looking back. A dose of reality needs to come from you, the person she should be able to trust, respect and appreciate the most.

Now, sometimes these outlets or hobbies turn into legit careers, and social influencers have created a new industry that is bringing in ridiculous money. But my biggest issue with your girlfriend is that she isn't creating anything that's engaging, different, or a form of expression that's genuinely her. Desperate reaches and uninspired rehashing of popular trends and successful templates from the real influencers that make her look like a boring hack. She's throwing her version of content against a fast-scrolling timeline and seeing if anything sticks. It's not. If you and her friends recognize it, and I recognize it, we know that savvy users sure as hell recognize it and can't scroll past it fast enough.

If I'm you, I don't lead with that, though. It will likely hit her where it hurts most — her creativity, self-expression and dream of fame. Take a lighter approach. Let her know that focusing on her phone is taking more and more time away from the quality of her life and the real-world connections with the people who care about her. Ask if she can dial it back to a spot where she can still watch and create content about her life, leave the influencer work to the pros (and they are pros), and still be present. If she can't, then maybe drop a few truth bombs: Her content isn't connecting, and she should deactivate and reevaluate for a while to get a refreshed perspective on her life, social media prospects, and what matters to her.

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