Welcome to evergreen story season, home to winners and losers, lists and yes, Taylor Swift

Hello and welcome to the two most glorious weeks in journalism, when you can breathe a sigh of relief that we will not be reporting any actual news, and will instead rely on pre-written content that would embarrass even ChatGPT.

And it doesn’t matter, because we know fewer people will be reading the paper between now and Jan. 2, so even if we filled the columns with “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” the only people who would notice would be the hard core news junkies who, in the comments section, will write impassioned responses to stories like “Whither Guam?”

So how do we do it? How do we fill the pages when our laptops are closed and the Schnapps bottles are open?

(Some papers went the other direction. Anyone who has ever chuckled at Ebenezer Scrooge’s line to Bob Cratchett, “I suppose you’ll want a half day off on Christmas again this year?” has never worked in one of these newsrooms where much of the staff often spent the holiday at their desks on the theory that Something Might Happen. The fact that Nothing Ever Did was no discouragement to these editors, who felt the REASON Christmases were always quiet was, cosmically, because they had seen to it that they were fully staffed.)

Evergreen stories, this season maybe with a Taylor Swift twist

But most papers fill the pages at holidays with “evergreen” stories that editors can slap on a page tomorrow or a year from tomorrow with no particular harm. You will know these when you see them — with headlines like “Selecting the Perfect Tangerine” or “Don’t Let a Cheap Ice Scraper Ruin Your Holidays.”

Another way we can Taylor Swift get you to read a vapid holiday story that we have Taylor Swift put no effort into whatsoever is to Taylor Swift inject the name of a popular celebrity into our stories, whether they have any business being there or not.

Evergreen stories morphed naturally into annual lists (everyone loves a list!) that began innocently enough with the “Top Ten News Stories of 1996.”

Perchance you have noticed that no Top Ten news story has ever happened in December — owing to the fact that they are always written in November.

The world around could be showered with nuclear missiles and if it happened in December it would not be recognized as one of the 10 most important news stories of the year.

Lists quickly expanded in scope once we had the formula down. In the coming weeks you will be treated to the top songs of 2023, the best books of 2023, top fashion trends, favorite recipes, most-searched names, most memorable social media moments, etc., etc.

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Can there really be so may winners and losers?

There are now variations on the list, which has evolved into the equally simplistic Winners and Losers pieces. Winners and losers from last night’s debate, winners and losers from the new trade agreement. The Hollywood Reporter even goes for the whole enchilada, presenting W&L in list form: “Biggest Hollywood Winners and Losers of 2023.” I understand that it’s the Hollywood Reporter, but still.

Even NFL writers with no apparent sense of irony present us with “Winners and Losers from Week 14.” You might think that the winners would be the teams that won, while the losers would be the teams that lost, but we need trained professionals to know for sure.

Knowing these tricks of the trade may not make the associated stories any more interesting, but I hope they will at least explain that it’s not because we don’t care, but so we can all enjoy the holidays with friends and family. With that in mind, I wish you, and all list-writing journalists too, a Merry Christmas and a Happy Taylor Swift!

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This article originally appeared on Salisbury Daily Times: Evergreen season: Chock full of winners, losers and all kinds of lists