We went looking for 'The 12 Days of Christmas' gifts in Louisville. Here's what we found

Bradford pear trees are extremely common in Louisville, but I wasn't sure how to go about finding a partridge to put in one.

I halfway considered driving to the town of Partridge in Eastern Kentucky and looking for a pear tree there, but that would be a pear tree in Partridge instead of a partridge in a pear tree.

That wasn't quite right either.

As I skimmed the lyrics to "The 12 Days of Christmas," I read it more as a scavenger hunt than a festive, earworm of a Christmas carol. In early November, I promised my editor I'd find all 12 gifts here in the Commonwealth, and it's been a challenge, to say the least. Make no mistake, dear reader, I'm going to stretch this list of Kentucky-inspired alternatives to the classic song harder than the piece of wrapping paper I cut just a smidge too short last night.

Traditionally the "12 Days of Christmas" begins on Dec. 25 and runs through the Christian feast of the Epiphany on Jan. 6. A quick Google search shows the song dates back to a 1780 English children's book "Mirth Without Mischief." This redundant anthem to the worst gift-giver in history (so. many. birds.) was likely developed as a memory game. That's why the singers today repeat the gifts over-and-over-and-over-and-over until we finally sing through all of them the final time on the 12th day.

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So, inspired by the song, I dreamed up some more practical, local ways for you and your true love to mark the 12 days of Christmas.

And yes, some of them are indeed a big stretch from the original lyrics, but here's what I came up with.

Gravely Brewing has a beer on tap called "Holiday Road" that’s a traditional German lager infused with pear and ginger. As long as the weather cooperates, you can take a pint up to its delightful patio and take in a treetop-like view of downtown Louisville in honor of the first day of Christmas.

On the second day of Christmas, we're supposed to receive two turtle doves. Instead, I'd like a suite at Churchill Downs, please. As far as I can tell there's no horse called "Dove," but a mare named "Turtle" raced at the storied track on Nov. 11, 2010. She even ran in the second race of the day.

For the third day of Christmas, I'd like dinner for three at the Spanish and French restaurant La Chasse at 1359 Bardstown Road. We'll take our french hens, cooked, too. The grilled chimichurri chicken with its grilled potatoes, haricot vert, arugula, and roasted peppers, roasted garlic aioli, and Amarillo aji-peach jus sounds delightful.

Let's swap four calling birds for four University of Louisville Women's basketball tickets. I'll let the refs do the calling while my friends and I watch the Louisville Cardinals play.

This brings us to what’s genuinely the only acceptable gift on the traditional 12 days of Christmas list: five golden rings.

I could certainly seek out one of our longtime jewelers in the area and ask for five pieces of jewelry, but that almost seems silly after all the mental gymnastics I did with the first four days. So instead, I'd like five barrels of bourbon. Those have rings on them, and clearly, they’re filled with Kentucky’s liquid gold.

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My colleagues, Kirby Adams, and Olivia Evans, pointed out that for six geese a-laying, I could head over to Brown Park in St. Matthews. There are always geese there. Always. Do you know what sounds a lot better than hanging out with geese, though? Sleeping in (the laying) and going to brunch (the eggs). I think two three-egg omelets at Eggs Over Frankfort, 2712 Frankfort Ave. would be a very cozy sixth day of Christmas.

On the seventh day of Christmas, rather than gaze at seven swans a-swimming, I'd like my true love to pick up the tab for an afternoon on Swan Avenue. We'll start by taking a dip into nearby Logan Street Market, which isn’t technically on Swan but you can see its backside from the south end of the street. From there we'll float north up to The Comeback Inn for a quick bite and then over to Fleur De Flea for a little vintage shopping. We can end the experience with a show at Old Forester’s Paristown Hall – bonus points if the band starts playing at 7 p.m.

Now that we’ve survived the bird portion of this poem, the gift-receiving gets a little bit easier and a lot more entertainment-focused. Believe me, I still don't want all these merry-filled random strangers in my house, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy them in their element.

I don't need eight maids a-milking, but sampling eight ice cream flavors from The Comfy Cow at 2221 Frankfort Ave. could be fun.

We can cover nine ladies dancing with nine tickets to the Louisville Ballet and 10 lords a-leaping with ballroom dancing lessons from one of our many dancing studios here in town. There will certainly be pipers piping when the Louisville Orchestra performs, which is a good gift for the 11th day. We can cross the 12th day off the list, too, by going to see the River City Drum Corps.

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By the time I turned all the original gifts into something people might genuinely want, my brain was just as exhausted as if I'd sung all twelve verses.

And then, I looked at all the places I'd need to go, the things I needed to see, and ― oh my ― the food I’d need to eat, and it made me wonder. Had I really made the gifts any better?

Then I thought, perhaps the poem's original author might think the gifts in Louisville's 12 Days of Christmas are even more overwhelming than all those birds and random people.

Even with as much fun as this could be, by the 13th day, I think my true love and I would want nothing more than 13 hours of rest.

Features columnist Maggie Menderski writes about what makes Louisville, Southern Indiana and Kentucky unique, wonderful, and occasionally, a little weird. If you've got something in your family, your town or even your closet that fits that description — she wants to hear from you. Say hello at mmenderski@courier-journal.com or 502-582-4053. Follow along on Instagram and Twitter @MaggieMenderski. 

This article originally appeared on Louisville Courier Journal: We went looking for 'The 12 Days of Christmas' gifts in Louisville