What is the '90 Day Dinner,' and how is it affecting relationships?

Becca Havian (@queer_quarterback), who is currently completing a master’s in mental health counseling, recently took to TikTok to share a concept known as a “90 Day Dinner.” Coined by “a friend of a friend,” it is essentially the idea that when something really bad happens — be it a breakup, the loss of a job or general feelings of anxiety — she and her friends will plan a dinner 90 days out, when there may be a potential change in their perspective.

What is the purpose of the ‘90 Day Dinner’?

“So what happens is, you text the group. You say, ‘scheduling a 90-day,’ or something like that, and we all look at our calendars and go three months out and mark it in the calendar,” Havian explains in a video posted on Nov. 18, 2023. “The purpose of the 90 Day Dinner is to provide perspective.”

The hope is that by the 90-day mark, “something will have shifted.” The shift won’t necessarily be “night and day,” Havian cautioned, but you’ll be able to see your circumstance from a new angle because you’re a bit more removed from the intense feelings surrounding it.

“Emotional permanence is something that’s really productive to shed,” she adds. “And this tradition is so good at that … helping us understand that the feelings we’re having — discomfort, sadness, anger, frustration, whatever it is — they’re fleeting … they will change.”

Havian told Yahoo News that it’s important to approach those 90 days on your own terms. Recognizing a shift in perspective isn’t the only clarity someone can derive from calling a 90-day dinner, she said.

“Others may be disinterested in this kind of scrutiny and prefer to just enjoy the company of friends. Also, be sensitive — this may not be the occasion for you to assert your recommendations about their situation, unless input is requested,” Havian said.

‘It's a simple gesture, but it can mean a lot to someone who is feeling down’

Mary Lawrence, a licensed clinical social worker and clinical director at Acera Health in Costa Mesa, Calif., said the 90-day dinner gives people a means of healing, adjusting and rebuilding themselves, while also having something to look forward to.

“Sometimes, when we go through tough times, we tend to isolate ourselves and feel like we are alone in our struggles,” Lawrence told Yahoo News. “The 90-day dinner is a way for friends to show how much they care and support each other without overstepping boundaries or pressuring the person who is going through a difficult time. Of course, 90 days is just an arbitrary number, and the dinner can be scheduled for a time frame that works best for everyone involved. It's a simple gesture, but it can mean a lot to someone who is feeling down.”

Andrea Brognano, a licensed mental health counselor in New York and New Jersey, told Yahoo News that it’s crucial to remember that we cannot control what occurs within those 90 days. That is, the concept shouldn’t be followed so strictly as to pressure someone to feel “fixed” by a certain time.

“While the 90-day dinner might sound like a long time, the time will go quickly. As humans, we do not always have control over what happens in those 90 days. So you might have life come across with some unexpected changes and challenges, and you might not meet the goal you anticipated,” Brognano cautioned. “There is also a risk that a person can feel worse if they have not met their goals or made changes like they would have wanted in 90 days.”

Could the ‘90 Day Dinner’ be a potential antidote for the loneliness epidemic?

In addition to being what Havian calls an “antidote to a funk,” the 90-day dinner could potentially serve as one way to help combat the loneliness epidemic in the United States. A report released by the U.S. Surgeon General in May 2023 revealed that about 1 in 2 American adults experienced considerable levels of loneliness prior to the COVID-19 pandemic.

“You don’t have to be alone to be lonely,” Dr. Michelle Blain, a primary care physician in Playa Vista, Calif., told Cedars-Sinai Blog. “It can happen if you can’t foster a sense of engagement and belonging or don’t feel accepted and respected by people you engage with.”

Research included in the National Library of Medicine in 2022 found that adults who feel lonely can be “more than twice as likely to develop depression” as adults who rarely or never feel lonely. The Mental Health Foundation also revealed that younger generations are more susceptible to feeling lonely than older generations because they are at a stage in life where they are “leaving established support networks” for college or a new job away from home.

Haley Hicks, a licensed clinical social worker in Dallas, argues that the 90 Day Dinner may also be a helpful tool in mitigating seasonal loneliness or “holiday blues.”

“We all know that the holidays are full of parties and gatherings, but not everyone is in a celebratory mood. Sometimes people can feel overwhelmed or lonely during this time, especially if they are dealing with personal struggles,” she told Yahoo News. “Having a scheduled 90-day dinner can give some people a breather and the assurance that they will have a supportive group of friends to turn to after the holidays.”

‘An opportunity for others to combat hopelessness or isolation’

Ultimately, Havian urges that people utilize the 90 Day Dinner in whatever way works for them — so long as reflection is facilitated and perspective is achieved.

“People should feel empowered to adapt the concept however it feels best within the context of their individual issue and relationships. If you want to call a 90 Day [Dinner] with 10 friends? Great! If you want to call one with your neighbor, your brother? Also great. This practice can take on many forms,” Havian asserted. “It’s so common for us to deal with life’s challenges on our own, in silent distress. I hope that the offering of this practice presents an opportunity for others to combat hopelessness or isolation by sharing their experience with at least one other person and giving them something to look forward to.”