What's all this 'Barbie' stuff? When did old white men stop being in charge?

Something weird is happening. As the result of many, many news stories viewed on a glowing laptop screen, the word “Barbie” is becoming emblazoned on my corneas.

When I close my eyes I see “Barbie,” like what happens when you stare at the sun.

Just in two days, here were the Barbie-related headlines appearing in The Washington Post:

• "We all dress like Barbie now"

• "The ‘Barbie’ movie is a candy-colored confection of knowing humor and bitter irony"

• "What Barbie’s many careers say about feminism and American girlhood" (Didn’t see that coming.)

• "The A-listers ‘Barbie’ ditched along the way"

• "What does the Barbie movie have to do with the South China Sea dispute?" (I confess, this one almost got me to click on it.)

• "Meet the designer who made Barbie’s early dresses — and her doctor’s coat"

• "How to dress like Barbie, and should you?"

• "8 hot pink hotels for living out your Barbie fantasy"

• "Want to celebrate Barbie? Make this pink pasta." (I swear I am not making any of these up.)

• "How Barbie primed us for a life of conspicuous consumption"

• "Celebrate Barbie Chef’s careers with these 13 recipes"

• "The Barbie movie, according to conservative criticism"

• "Why we can’t look away from the ‘Barbie’ movie’s fever-dream-like trailer"

Do you get the impression that The Washington Post wants us to go see the Barbie movie? World wars have been fought with less coverage. Forget Biden-Trump, the next president should be whoever is in charge of “Barbie” marketing. Talk about results.

The only Post person who wasn’t totally starry-eyed was the paper’s own reviewer, who wrote that “despite its cheery mix of Day-Glo visuals, retro wardrobe, cheesy backdrops and winking laughs, sags into feeling more like a lecture than a lift.”

More: Is the 'Barbie' movie appropriate for kids? Here's what parents should know

Ah well, this moment shall pass and we can all get back to something that the world needs to be interested in, something more relevant to old white males such as myself, like whether Scott Rolen really deserves to be in the baseball Hall of Fame, am I right?

Am I right? Anyone there? Uh-oh.

What in the name of the V-8 internal combustion engine is going on here? Have I died and gone to old-white-male-journalist hell? Where are the stories on tricking out your 1990 Honda Prelude? On whether the Verizon or AT&T dividend is more secure right now? On who makes the most comfortable pair of white cotton tube socks? Is no one today going to come out today with another 2024 NFL mock draft? For the love of God, if we’re making movies about dolls, where are the movies about GI Joe?

Oh right, there have been about a million of them, point taken. But still.

More: The 'Barbie' movie is finally here—shop the hottest Barbie brand collabs to celebrate

And we’re not going back, are we? Legions of young, diverse, female, patriarchy destroying editors are mocking me with their stories about women’s soccer and Taylor Swift and vegan squash boats. How they laugh as I bear my chains like Marley’s ghost, screaming in misery as I beg for one drop of cold water on my burning tongue, just one cooling story on how the technology in a Bradley Fighting Vehicle works.

But no. I have forged this chain, link-by-Traeger-Grill-Pro-Series-22-Wifi-Controlled-Smoker-link, not caring about other groups’ interests, as if the coveted white male age 18-54 demographic party would go on forever.

Now I know how it feels. I am that tub of cottage cheese in the back of the fridge with the way-beyond expiration date, the one that’s ferried to the trash with tongs, double bagged and rushed to the curb where even the racoons won’t touch it.

But I can change, I swear. I can write about Barbie too. How about this: Will Ken melt faster on a street in Arizona or Texas? No no, I’ll think of something better — come back! Hello? Hello? Operator!

What do you mean, “What’s an operator?”

Forget it.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.

This article originally appeared on The Herald-Mail: 'Barbie' media blitz a sign that old white men are losing their grip