Whitley's Believe It Or Not: The professional wrestling emperor has no sports clothes
According to sports media, the big news the past week wasn’t necessarily the Final Four or baseball’s Opening Day. It was San Francisco tight end George Kittle and Roman Reigns winning the World Tag Team Championship.
Or maybe it was Kittle and Oprah.
Forgive the confusion, but my mind is still spinning from WrestleMania 39. The thing I’m most confused about is why the media treat it like a real sport.
A real sport is a competition between individuals or teams to determine a winner. Even with that broad definition, professional wrestling doesn’t qualify.
News flash: It’s fake.
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That doesn’t mean the acrobatics and bruises and danger isn’t real. But most of the 160,000 fans at SoFi Stadium and 4.3 billion or so who watched WrestleMania 39 knew the matches were choreographed and the winners were predetermined.
I just wish our esteemed sports media realized that.
About every major website (ESPN, Yahoo!, Sports Illustrated, The Athletic, USA Today, CBS, NBC) covered WrestleMania 39 as if it were Super Bowl LVII. It was as if they had no idea Vince McMahon’s scriptwriters had already decided which athlete/thespian would win.
I’m old enough to remember when sports editors would laugh at the thought of putting pro rasslin’ in their sections. Now it’s standard operating procedure because the WWE gets clicks and pageviews.
So do cat videos and Megan Markle, but that doesn’t mean I want to read about them on ESPN.com. If Rocky Balboa comes back to fight Adonis Creed in “Rocky 7,” would the network cover it like a real fight?
Pro wrestling belongs in the Features or Entertainment or Celebs section. It’s dramatic, entertaining and spectacularly successful.
It’s just not a sport …
Stud of the Week: LSU coach Kim Mulkey, for delivering a basketball championship in her second season at the school. She’s worth the 8-year, $22.5 million salary it took to lure her and her fabulous wardrobe from Baylor. …
Lt. Frank Drebin did it better in 'The Naked Gun'
Stud II:– St. Louis pitcher Adam Wainwright, for singing the national anthem on Opening Day despite being on the 15-day disabled list with a groin strain. It was better than Carl Lewis’s infamous anthem attempt, but not quite as good as Lt. Frank Drebin did in “The Naked Gun.”
Dud of the Week: New York City, for spending $5.3 million to install five high-tech toilets in city parks. For that kind of money, they could have gotten a backup third baseman and three packages of Charmin for the Mets. …
Quip of the Week: Dolphins coach and ex-Washington assistant Mike McDaniel when told Commanders owner Daniel Snyder could get as much as $6 billion for selling the team:
“Wow, the organization’s worth that much? And, you know, I couldn’t get free coffee?”…
WrestleMania 39 Redux: Time magazine reported that in an attempt to sway voters in Florida’s 1950 U.S. Senate race, George Smathers accused Claude Pepper of having a “brother who is a known homo sapiens, and he has a sister who was once a thespian in wicked New York.”
If you felt insulted when I called WWE a bunch of thespians, I can only assume you voted for Smathers. …
Speaking of wicked New York City, the Sacramento Kings qualified for the NBA playoffs for the first time in 16 years. That means the Jets now get the ceremonial goat horns as the U.S. major sports franchise with the longest playoff drought at 12 years.
In related news, the Jets have offered Green Bay two second-round draft picks and two City of New York public toilets for Aaron Rodgers. …
I knew pro wrestling was fake when the women started looking more like Barbie than The Fabulous Moolah. …
ESPN has announced it has bought the broadcast rights to Creed vs. Balboa. The deal is contingent on 76-year-old Sylvester Stallone being able to climb into the ring. …
Come to think of it, I would pay $59 for a pay-per-view Loser Leave Town match between Oprah and Megan Markle. Especially if Harry has to leave with Megan …
Trump's other claim to fame ...
Donald Trump is expected to be indicted Tuesday for being the only U.S. president to be a member of the WWE Hall of Fame. …
Forbes reports Shohei Ohtani will make $65 million this year, including $35 million in endorsements. The Rays’ entire payroll this season is $63 million, but players will get free coffee in the clubhouse until Dan Snyder buys the team. …
The International Olympic Committee saves blood samples to recheck as testing technology improves. So congrats to U.S. hurdler Lashinda Demus, who was declared the winner of the 2012 Olympic 400-meter hurdles last week after Russia’s Ntalya Antyukh was disqualified for doping.
Thank goodness Barry Bonds didn’t play for the U.S. Olympic baseball team. …
This Just In: Aaron Rodgers has agreed to a trade if the Jets install a sensory deprivation toilet where he can contemplate plays in the dark. …
That’s about all the space we have for this week’s Whitley’s Believe It or Not. If you look like The Fabulous Moolah or were offended in any way, please feel free to call me a known homo sapiens.
David Whitley is The Gainesville Sun's sports columnist. Contact him at dwhitley@gannett.com. Follow him on Twitter @DavidEWhitley
This article originally appeared on The Gainesville Sun: Dopey media treat WrestleMania like it's a real sport | Whitley
