Whitley's Believe It Or Not: UFC boss Dana White turns sports into slapstick
When future historians debate where Western civilization officially jumped the shark, many will point to last week’s debut of “Power Slap: Road to the Title.”
In case you missed it, and hopefully you did, it consisted of two people slapping each other into oblivion. This new “sport” is the brainchild of UFC boss Dana White.
“It’s the ultimate test of toughness,” he said.
It’s actually the ultimate test whether humans have now dropped below rutabagas on the evolutionary scale. I don’t want to come off like a snowflake, but really?
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I remember slapping contests in middle school. The difference is most of us didn’t have actual biceps and TBS didn’t televise our adolescent folly.
In Power Slap, hairy-armed men and women chalk up like weightlifters and take turns trying to give other concussions, or worse. A Polish slapper died from a brain injury two years ago. Nobody was guilty of manslaughter in last week’s show, but one guy was knocked cold and didn’t know where he was when revived.
“Was I fighting?” he asked.
No, you were saying goodbye to what few brain cells you started with. Though as boosters point out, nobody’s forcing the slappers into the lion’s den.
Slap fighting is sanctioned by the Nevada State Athletic Commission, which apparently can’t spell CTE. As for quality entertainment, it makes “The Jerry Springer Show” look like “Downton Abbey.”
Ironically, the debut was delayed a week after video surfaced of White slapping his wife at a New Year’s Eve party. At least he did not chalk up beforehand.
TBS is banking on the Guilty Pleasure demographic to fuel ratings. If anyone watches Power Slap for more than 23 seconds, they should feel guilty. Please don’t join the party because what would be next, Competitive Groin Kicking?
Though come to think of it, that could have one redeeming quality. It might keep future generations from even being around to laugh at us …
Happy Birthday Buzz Aldrin ... and many more
Stud of the Week: Buzz Aldrin. On his 93rd birthday, the second man on the moon married his girlfriend, who’s 30 years younger …
Dud of the Week: Dallas kicker Brett Maher, who missed four extra points against Tampa Bay and had one blocked against San Francisco. If there ever is a Competitive Groin Kicking League, he’d probably kick his opponent in the shin …
Headline of the Week: “Struggling Pig Kills Butcher at Hong Kong Slaughterhouse.” Details were sketchy, though I can’t help thinking that PETA was somehow involved …
LSU gymnast/cheesecake sensation Olivia Dunne told the “Today” show it’s not her fault the team needs extra security to handle potentially rowdy fans who are drawn by her racy social media posts.
“As a woman, you’re not responsible for how a man looks at you and objectifies you,” she said.
Madonna could not be reached for comment …
Speaking of Madonna, she announced last week that she’s bringing her cone bra out of retirement for a 40th anniversary tour. ESPN reported the opening act on the U.S. leg of the tour will be Tom Brady …
Jim Irsay and a bathroom joke
We hate to pass along rumors (unless they’re really juicy), but Outkick radio commentator Dan Dakich had a good one about Raiders coach Josh McDaniel almost taking the Indianapolis job in 2018. McDaniel backed out after Colts owner Jim Irsay visited his house and weirdly spent an hour in the bathroom.
Maybe Irsay had too much Taco Bell on the way to the house. All I know is if McDaniel’s spooked by someone spending an hour in the bathroom getting ready to go out, he’ll never work for either of my teenage daughters …
Tweet of the Week: “I swear, I can kick as good as the Dallas Cowboys kicker,” by Texas Gov. Greg Abbott. He is paralyzed from the waist down and gets around in a wheelchair …
Details of King Charles’ May coronation in May were announced last week. There’s no word if Harry will show and get in a slap fight with William. But in hopes of getting a larger worldwide TV audience, Buckingham Palace has requested the Archbishop of Canterbury step aside and let Olivia Dunne conduct the ceremony …
Quote of the Week: After winning a grueling five-set match at the Australian Open, Andy Murray told the courtside interviewer, “I have a big heart.”
“Well, Andy, if I may say so, you have a big everything,” the interviewer gushed.
“I’m not sure my wife would agree,” Murray said …
ESPN reports the Nevada State Athletic Commission has approved a hair-pulling contest between Madonna and Charo …
Guilty Pleasure Admission: I’d watch “Power Slap” if Mrs. Dana White got to take a shot at her husband …
Congrats to Spike, a 23-year-old chihuahua mix from Camden, Ohio. Guinness World Record recognized him as the world’s oldest dog last week. Spike attributed his longevity to a diet of braunschweiger sausages and crunched-up Doritos, and watching Olivia Dunne videos on Instagram …
This Just In: Greg Abbott has deported Brett Maher to New York City …
Donald Trump won the Senior Club Championship at the Trump International Golf Club in Palm Beach on Sunday. Trump attributed his victory to being the owner of the club and a diet of crunched-up Doritos …
To remain non-partisan, we must balance that with a Joe Biden joke. Nothing immediately comes to mind, but I’m sure there’s a classified one lying around his garage …
According to American Veterinary Medical Association guidelines, Madonna is 329 in dog years …
Update: After checking birth records, Guinness World Records has rescinded its recognition of Spike and announced the world’s oldest dog is actually Stetson Bennett IV …
That’s about all the space we have for this week’s Whitley’s Believe It or Not. Until next time, if Jim Irsay comes over to watch the AFC Championship Game, tell him your bathroom is out of order.
David Whitley is The Gainesville Sun's sports columnist. Contact him at dwhitley@gannett.com. Follow him on Twitter @DavidEWhitley
This article originally appeared on The Gainesville Sun: UFC boss Dana White's 'Power Slap: Road to the Title' sports slapstick
