Why Dating Is Hell for So Many Porn Stars—Thanks to Dating Apps
Once upon a time, porn stars’ biggest dating problem was potential mates overreacting to our profession. Now, we’re lucky if we can even land a date.
In the 21st century, most people meet partners on dating apps. When I reached out to porn stars and other sex workers about their dating stories, I expected to hear about people sending inappropriate messages to sex workers on Tinder. Instead, I received an onslaught of stories about Tinder and other platforms outright banning sex workers simply because of their occupation. Tinder and other apps ban sex work. The policy makes sense if it was a ban on sex workers using the app to sell sexual services, but nearly every sex worker has stories about dating apps deplatforming them for their occupations. Technology companies are making it difficult for sex workers to chat, let alone find a romantic life partner.
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Tinder received the most complaints. “Tinder banned me for stating ‘I have an OF,’ and nothing you do or say will change that,” said sex worker Shiza Panda. Added adult performer Kristopher Koffin, “Tinder outright banned me a couple of years ago for being a sex worker.” But the problem goes beyond Tinder. My friend (and adult actress) April Kelly describes facing censorship on a variety of apps. “People think it’s hilarious I’m banned from Tinder (twice) and Bumble took my account down as well,” she says. The problem annoys her because often the apps deplatform her even though she doesn’t engage in sex work on the platform. (A representative for Tinder said that the app’s terms of service state “if a member violates any of these policies, including promoting or advocating for commercial sexual services, they may be removed from Tinder.)
“I mentioned once in a conversation on Tinder that I was involved in sex work. The next time I opened it, my account was given a warning,” says Kelly. “From that point forward, attempts at having a Tinder led to accounts being deleted. I moved to Bumble, and it happened even faster. In short, various breadcrumbs made it clear being a sex worker wasn’t ‘OK’ with Tinder.”
Perhaps OnlyFans creator Shyoaks summed the problem up best: “Banned on all of them lol.” The issue has increased in recent years. For over three years, Kelly dated on apps without a problem. Now, her accounts get deleted over and over again.
Dating app deplatforming is the latest sex-worker censorship, coming on the heels of a wave of right-wing attacks on sex workers. Exodus Cry and other fringe conservative religious organizations have pushed a conspiracy theory that tube sites engage in the widespread trafficking of children. Following a New York Times article presenting a series of horrific allegations about users uploading child porn on Pornhub, the site banned unverified uploads. Yet conservatives still successfully lobbied Visa and Mastercard to stop processing payments on Pornhub in the name of protecting children. The narrative around Pornhub has led to increased censorship of legal adult porn stars on tech platforms, even though we haven’t broken any laws.
Other types of sex workers face even more discrimination. Prostitutes report platforms banning them just for chatting, even though they don’t sell sex on dating apps. (Last time I checked, dating apps didn’t have payment-processing functions.)
Sex workers are facing the most censorship since the 1980s. At the same time, Americans are more obsessed with sex work than ever. I’ve dealt with multiple scam artists impersonating me on dating apps and other social media sites, conning men out of money. Dating apps have handled the problem by—you guessed it!—deplatforming porn stars. Multiple girls report dating apps booting them from a platform because the algorithm believes they’re a catfish. Yet catfishers continue to proliferate. Everyone’s allowed to be us except ourselves.
The only place sex workers seem to find dating respites are on high-end dating sites like Raya. It only allows people with high social media followings, such as celebrities, so porn stars’ verified Instagram accounts can allow us to date. The other safe spaces are gay sex apps, like Grindr, and fetish sites like Fetlife. “Fetlife would be my top recommendation for anyone kinky,” Kelly says. “That’s what they’re all about!”
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These platforms don’t discriminate against having a sex life. Sex workers can get laid. We are often going to apps to find romance and long-term partners, but tech companies bar us from all dating apps except the most sexual ones. We’re demonized for being sexual, but then we are forbidden from chasing love.
At the end of the day, the central problem for porn stars’ lives is we are both famous and despised, admired and loathed. Nowhere is this contradiction more present than when we are dating.
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