Why I decided to shoot all my Bud Light: A letter to my 'woke' liberal neighbors

Dear neighbors:

I see on the local Facebook page that some have been wondering why I recently put three cases of Bud Light on a folding table in my backyard and then shot them to shreds with my AR-15.

Under the rules of the Second Amendment, I don’t have to answer your questions (look it up, libs), but in the interest of being neighborly, I will.

The answer is simple: Anheuser-Busch has gone woke.

The company I have long supported by getting day drunk on Bud Light recently caved to the absurd liberal notion that we should treat everyone with kindness and respect by partnering with Dylan Mulvaney, who I’m told by Google is “a transgender social media influencer.”

Kid Rock shot his Bud Light, so I shot mine

I learned about this through my primary news source, Kid Rock’s Instagram page. Mr. Rock posted a video of himself shooting cases of Bud Light, saying, “(Expletive) Bud Light. (Expletive) Anheuser-Busch!”

It was clear from that moment that I too, as a patriot, needed to purchase several cases of Bud Light and then destroy them with the same type of firearm used in most mass shootings. If this act of responsible protest offended your delicate sensibilities, I’ll be happy to loan you my “Liberal Tears” mug.

While none of you so-called Americans in the neighborhood joined me in my battle against creeping wokeness, many high-profile conservatives did, including country music star Travis Tritt, who banned all Anheuser-Busch products from his tour, and GOP presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy, who called it “the worst kind of woke capitalism.”

Former professional baseball player Aubrey Huff tweeted: “My God how dumb you have to be @budlight? Can’t wait to see the next quarter sales. #cancelbudlight”

I and my fellow truth-tellers took time away from our important crusade against the horrors of liberal cancel culture to encourage others to never, ever drink Bud Light again. I dare any of you to name a more noble quest than protesting a company by purchasing and then destroying its products while drawing vast, unpaid national attention to its brand.

But despite the righteousness of shooting several dozen cans of beer I had just paid for, all I hear from you neighbors are complaints. What harm am I causing, aside from one stray bullet lightly grazing Ms. Henderson’s labradoodle?

Look, I realize there were some minor issues back in 2018 when I purchased five dozen pairs of Nike sneakers and burned them in my backyard to protest the company featuring Colin Kaepernick in an ad. How was I supposed to know the flames would reach the grape arbor in Don’s yard?

And I know some of you didn’t like it last year when I learned through Newsmax host Greg Kelly that Oreo cookies had gone woke by joining PFLAG to produce a short film on coming out. What set me off was Kelly’s insightful tweet that read: “COOKIE! I love COOKIES. C is for COOKIE. COOKIE IS FOR ME. I do NOT like GAY COOKIES. ‘Sexuality’ has NOTHING TO DO with the Cookie experience.  Cookies are for ALL! Basically Cookies are ‘asexual’---why is the WOKE LEFT messing around with OREOS?!?!  STOP THE INSANITY.”

That inspired me to purchase all the Oreos they had at the grocery store, dump them in the middle of the road in front of my house and run them over with the same Hummer I used to smash the 25 Keurig coffee makers I bought after the company stopped advertising on Fox News’ Sean Hannity show.

Well, I guess my First Amendment rights are a little too much for the sheep in this neighborhood. I’m not going to apologize, because apologies are a tool of the woke left, but I will refrain from shooting any more beer.

And I can guarantee that, because I’ve now switched to Coors Light, so if you need me, I’ll be in the driveway in all my nonwoke glory, sitting peacefully in a lawn chair next to my Hummer – which I leave idling to protest the climate change hoax – taking long sips of ... wait a minute. Why is the Google telling me Coors Light is "among the most progressive for its employee policies toward gays" and "has been advertising in gay publications since the 1980's"?

WOKENESS IS EVERYWHERE!

Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

More from Rex Huppke:

Elon Musk is taking away my blue check mark on Twitter. Who am I if not notable?

Would today's GOP try to ban Mister Rogers for being woke? Probably.

Blaming Silicon Valley Bank collapse on diversity or 'wokeness' gives away Republican game

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Bud Light trans partnership left me no choice but to shoot 'woke' beer