Why don’t we clap at funerals?
I attended the funeral of the father of a dear friend recently. It was a wonderful service. While listening to the eulogies and special music selections, I had new thoughts.
The American funeral traditions are changing slowly, but there are still some customs that just don’t make sense to me. Most often in today’s vernacular, we talk about a celebration of life instead of a funeral, especially if it is an older person. And truly, this was a celebration!
But there are some customs that are hard to break.
After doing a little research, I came upon a word I was not familiar with: funerary. Webster says it is “of, used for, or associated with burial.” It includes objects and rituals associated with burial.
Around the world, there are hundreds of different funerary customs, objects and activities associated with the end of life. It would be an interesting study to learn about funerary practices all around the world.
Back to the practices most common in the United States, especially those in the Christian tradition. There are carefully constructed words that are used repeatedly. The phrase “rest in peace” is spoken so often. It is such an interesting thought — do we have to die to be at peace?
We don’t use the term “he died,” but “he passed away.” It sounds like someone just disappeared. When we hear that he was surrounded by family, it paints such a beautiful picture for us. Language is designed to be gentle and soft to make family and friends feel better, but at the same time, we know grieving is difficult, and there is no sugar-coating.
The funerary rituals are designed for the audience’s comfort.
Personally, my favorite ritual is when eulogies are shared by family and friends. Those are tender moments. All these traditions are accepted protocols, but it occurred to me that there could be more celebration. I noticed that, after the eulogies were shared, we didn’t applaud.
The family obviously spent a great deal of time preparing and were so eloquent and, at times, extremely funny. Yes, there was some laughter, but when it concluded, I could feel the urge for the audience to applaud. But, alas, no one broke the silence. Belly laughing and clapping seems to be out of line.
Obituaries and eulogies should be shared with loved ones before they die. It is such an injustice to express all the tributes to those attending if you haven’t shared them with your loved one while living. Obituaries should be written and shared before someone dies.
The selected music was perfect, and each time, there was awkward silence. People are just constrained at funerals. And why do we wear black? I know there are folks that have funeral clothes in their closets that are not worn any other time.
So, if it is a celebration of life, we need permission to laugh more, clap more, smile and express more happiness at the end of life.
As far as I’m concerned, for my celebration of life, everyone should wear their brightest colors and come prepared to party! I’m all in for uplifting funerary.
Find Connie’s book, “Daily Cures: Wisdom for Healthy Aging,” at www.justnowoldenough.com.
This article originally appeared on Topeka Capital-Journal: Obituaries, eulogies should be shared with loved ones before they die
