Why your parenting style won't work with digital kids: Tips from NJ mental health experts

Adults who can remember being dragged back home for dinner when they were young are now dragging their own kids out into the sunlight as technology has flipped the parenting script.

Since time immemorial, parents’ chief concern was for the physical well-being of their children. Now the age of smartphones finds them facing challenges unlike those from their own childhoods.

Parents and mental health professionals in New Jersey say child-rearing tactics need to change for a digital age.

"It's gotten worse for parents, because there are so many negative forces on the computer," said Angela Cavalli, 45, of Rockaway, who has a 15-year-old son. "If the parents aren’t talking to their children and monitoring them, they could potentially get into more danger talking to the wrong people and looking at things" online.

Ninety-five percent of families with children under 8 years old have a smartphone and 78% have a tablet, according to Common Sense Media. That has forced today's parents to understand technology and psychology in a way their elders never had to, so they can thwart dangers that are tougher to spot than broken bones and bloody noses.

“When the kids were outside playing back in the day, it was visible to a lot of people. So a neighbor could tell you your kid got into some trouble or if there was a fall or something," said Dr. Sarabjit Singh, executive medical director of behavioral health services at hospitals in Morris, Passaic and Essex counties.

"Now the problem is within the boundaries of the room, and it’s secretive," Singh said. "You don't know what exactly is going on when kids are on social media. Instead of there being more physical concerns about broken bones, now it's more about an emotional concern.”

Fifty-nine percent of U.S. teens have been bullied or harassed online, according to a report by the Cyberbullying Research Center, and the group says self-harm is common.

“I can guarantee on any given day there are at least three or four kids that come to our attention at the hospital level,” Singh said, adding that parents are shocked in the majority of these cases when their kids hurt themselves. “They would say, ‘But my kid was doing so well,’ and it catches them off guard.”

It’s harder to keep kids safe when you can’t see the danger, and parents "feel a little in over their heads," said Michael Tozzoli, CEO of West Bergen Mental Healthcare, a regional behavioral health group based in Ridgewood.

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The new kind of threat

In a 2022 poll by the Pew Research Center, 54% of teens said it would be hard to give up social media. According to the survey, 93% of teens ages 13 to 17 have access to a smartphone, and 45% say they are online "almost constantly."

If a child falls from a tree or scrapes a knee because they fell off a bike, “there is learning attached to it,” Singh said. The human brain is wired to give feedback in such situations.

Pain helps a child register an event as dangerous. But consider an online example, like a chatroom where the topic being discussed is cutting oneself to relieve emotional trauma. These can be dangerous waters, where a young person may find encouragement for unhealthy behaviors, Singh said.

"They are, from a developmental perspective, at that age where they get a high out of it, so to speak, as opposed to that physical pain or hurt they got when they fell out of the tree," he said. "So not only are you not learning more pro-social behaviors online, you're actually doing more damage to yourself without anyone being able to monitor."

The wrong things can get reinforced online, Singh said. And unlike in the physical world, where a neighbor may be looking out a window and notice your kid is in trouble, there's usually no adult watching out in a virtual world.

What can parents do?

Parents are constantly asking for the best way to restrict social media. Singh has given up the ghost on that. Counselors will often advise time restrictions, but that’s missing the point, he said. You can restrict the amount of surfing or block certain websites, but with the proliferation of smart devices, it's nearly impossible to keep all harmful content at bay, experts said.

Tozzoli’s suggestion is a simple one: "Take a deep breath. Realize that change is the way of our world." It can be helpful to think of the relationship between parents, kids and technology as a triangle, he added.

“We have parents in one corner and kids and technology [in the others],” he said. “Is it an adversarial, secretive relationship? If I'm the kid, do I tell my parents what I do online or try not to share with my parents? Is there an openness where we're able to discuss things in a healthy and non-judgmental way where we can explore thoughts and ideas in a way that's safe?”

Build a time to talk into a family's routine, like dinnertime. The level of safety kids have is connected to “the level of openness and comfortable communication they have with their parents," Tozzoli said.

Gene Myers covers disability and mental health for NorthJersey.com and the USA TODAY Network. For unlimited access to the most important news from your local community, please subscribe or activate your digital account today.

Email: myers@northjersey.com; Twitter: @myersgene

This article originally appeared on NorthJersey.com: NJ parenting: Expert tips to deal with social media risks for kids