Widespread COVID mask mandates aren't a thing, no matter how much Republicans freak out

It’s nearly autumn, and that means football, pumpkin-spice everything and the new liberal tradition of hanging a KN95 mask on the front door to ward off Republicans.

I had long thought Trump-era conservatives’ biggest fear was logical consistency, but this past week proved otherwise. Turns out nothing scares ‘em more than face masks.

Republican lawmakers and presidential candidates have been running around like their hair is on fire because one Maryland school put a 10-day mask mandate in place to combat a COVID-19 outbreak and a school district in Alabama asked students and teachers to wear masks due to a rise in cases.

Republicans think COVID masks are a 'muzzle' or 'child abuse' – really?

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, a GOP presidential candidate, responded to the Maryland school’s action by calmly tweeting: “They want to muzzle your children. Those mandates are DOA in the state of Florida because we’ve enacted protections for parents and children. When I'm President, there will be a reckoning for the harm they've done to kids in pursuit of a political agenda.”

Dude, it’s one school, it’s 10 days and they had an outbreak. Maybe try yoga or something.

Texas Republican Sen. Ted Cruz man-tweeted: “If you want to voluntarily wear a mask, fine, but leave our kids the hell alone.”

The always-rational Georgia GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene took the issue straight to nutso-town, tweeting: “I will NOT vote to fund any school that is masking children. Masking for COVID is insanity and is CHILD ABUSE."

You might be asking, "Why don't Republicans in Congress just lose the hysteria and work on ways to keep children safe?" That's the rub. They don't sweat things like guns, because stomping up and down about mask mandates that don't exist is their version of "protecting children."

COVID cases tick up a bit and Republicans propose the 'Freedom to Breathe Act'

Before you could say, “Hey gang, it’s less than a handful of places and there’s zero push for a national mask mandate and you’re all just overreacting because if you’re not in a constant state of outrage your brains might start working,” Republican Sen. J.D. Vance of Ohio was on the floor of the U.S. Senate – a place where serious things once happened – pushing the gosh-darn “Freedom to Breathe Act.”

Setting aside the fact that you can breathe just fine while wearing a mask but might struggle to breathe with COVID-19, let’s consider one of Vance’s comment in support of this act: “I’m the father of three kids under the age of 7, they need us to not be Chicken Little about every single respiratory pandemic and problem that confronts this country.”

First off, we’re talking about one specific respiratory pandemic, on account of these things don’t come along all that often. But more important, it sounds like Vance’s view in the face of a virus that killed more than 1 million Americans is to tell kids: “Get out there and catch a preventable disease like a real American, you lil' chicken (expletives)!!”

Yes, COVID cases are going up. No, there is no talk of widespread mask mandates.

There has been an uptick in COVID-19 cases and hospitalizations nationality. That said, and I’ll say it again for the people in the back, nobody is proposing widespread or a national mask mandate.

Masks were viewed by medical professionals as a smart albeit imperfect way to slow the spread of COVID-19 before there were vaccines and while a critical mass of Americans were getting the protections that comes with vaccination. They remain a reasonable individual intervention when there are outbreaks, but the decision to require them is going to be local.

White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said Wednesday: “It is up to the schools. It is the decisions of the districts to decide what they want to do with the guidelines that they’ve been provided by" the Centers for for Disease Control and Prevention.

At least we now know face masks are a great way to repel Republicans!

All that said, it’s good to know masks scare the tuna salad out of Republicans. We can use them as a repellant for people who shout “I WILL NOT COMPLY!” even though nobody’s asking them to comply with anything.

I hope other liberals and folks who don’t see reasonable public health measures as tyranny join me in the annual “Hanging of the Front-Door KN95.”

I might sprinkle a little hand sanitizer on the welcome mat for good measure.

You can’t be too careful these days.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Republicans in tizzy over COVID mask mandates that aren't happening