How My Wife’s Murder and Trump’s Election Changed My Life

On Nov. 1, 2006, my wife was brutally murdered.

On Nov. 8, 2016, almost 10 years later to the day, Donald J. Trump became president.

These two tragic events profoundly changed how I viewed the world and redefined the rest of my life. Writing, blogging, tweeting, filmmaking, and podcasting is the manifestation of that transformation.

My wife was Adrienne Shelly, the beautiful, talented actor and filmmaker who starred in Hal Hartley’s first two indie classics The Unbelievable Truth and Trust, as well as over twenty other films, and who ultimately went on to write, direct, and star in the 2007 film Waitress. She was killed by a 19-year-old undocumented immigrant construction worker who broke into her West Village office to rob her. He staged her death as a suicide. Our daughter was not even 3 years old at the time.

I was the one who found Adrienne dead. I insisted she did not take her own life. I knew it down to my core. I used whatever strength and resources I could muster to shout it from the proverbial mountaintops. It took five days and some good old-fashioned detective work to find and arrest her killer.

Adrienne’s shocking death, layered with Trump’s shocking ascent to unchecked power, set me off on a journey as a grieving widower, parent, and passionate patriot to fight however I could for the truth, against injustice, and to defend and protect our beloved democracy.

Adrienne was kind, generous, and had so much to keep offering this world.

Trump remains a sadistic, self-serving, evil sociopath who threatens our lives and our democracy.

Like every American, I have a vote and a voice. I’ve chosen to make my life an open book in the hope that perhaps my experiences can help even one other person.

When Trump ran for president in 2015, one of his most successful culture-war weapons was “illegal” immigration. I watched and listened as he incessantly vilified an entire segment of society, warning that caravans full of “criminals, drug dealers, rapists, etc.” were headed to America (they never came).

I grew even more frustrated and angry as he further ignited this powder keg by exploiting “Angel Moms”—parents and family members of those killed by undocumented immigrants—to help spread his incendiary rhetoric that their loved ones would still be alive if only we got rid of the bad Black and brown immigrants—as if our prisons aren’t full of white murderers.

That injustice prompted my Oct. 24, 2016, New York Times op-ed, “My Wife’s Killer Was Not an ‘Illegal Immigrant.’” I wrote:

In 2017, I decided to direct a documentary about Adrienne (Adrienne, available on HBO Max). The film answers three critical questions: Who was Adrienne Shelly, what really happened that horrible day, and how does a family navigate the unthinkable? It includes my interview with her killer in prison.

I believe without documentaries, books, blogs, features, podcasts, etc. we would never fully understand critical moments in history or in the day-to-day lives of ordinary people. But not everyone is a storyteller. Not everyone wants to tell their story—especially when tragedy strikes. I get that. I understand the need to place these experiences in a safe, private place and move on. But with Adrienne’s death I felt there was a greater purpose to be served.

To that end, my mission since Adrienne’s death has been to somehow turn our tragedy into something positive. Something that can inspire and be a source of hope. It began by creating the Adrienne Shelly Foundation which, since 2007, has awarded over 100 production grants to women filmmakers, including, in 2012, for Chloe Zhao, who won last year’s Best Director Oscar for Nomadland.

And now, after many years of writing and blogging and more than a decade of righteously indignant tweeting, I’ve decided to launch a podcast.

The Back Room with Andy Ostroy is an unscripted, humorous, no-holds-barred take on politics and pop culture. And it’s the next chapter in my quest to speak up, speak out, and perhaps help my listeners make some sense out of the sheer craziness in the world.

Like my life, the podcast is “happy/sad.” We’re tackling very serious subjects but we’re also having some fun and some laughs. Our first episode’s guest was actor Paul Rudd. This week’s episode features California congressman, 2020 presidential candidate, and Trump impeachment manager Eric Swalwell.

America is on the precipice of autocracy. Trump continues to spread his Big Lie. The Republican Party has lost whatever moral compass it might’ve had and has transformed into a dangerous cult detached from reality. America is a toxically divided landscape. The November midterms are now the most important election in history. Our future is uncertain. Am I frustrated and angry? You bet your ass I am. The Back Room is where I get to vent, continue the fight, and give voice to those who need it.

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