Winning at Home: The power of words
As we all know from personal experience, words can sometimes crush our spirits.
The school bus or playground might immediately spring to your mind. You might also think of a former significant other or workplace situation. Maybe you’re thinking of a family dynamic with your spouse or kids. The reality is, when our relationships have a level of closeness or intimacy, the damage done by hurtful words is amplified.
I’m not speaking theoretically here. I’ve had moments in my family life when a comment was made that had a huge impact on me. Sure, people couldn’t tell by looking at me, but inside, I was feeling absolutely crushed.
The most hurtful of these comments left me feeling like my deepest core self was being rejected or criticized. It’s hard to put into words. There are some criticisms that go in one ear and out the other — about things I did or said — but I didn’t really agree with the criticism or thought it was mostly due to the other person misunderstanding.
But this article isn’t about those words that are easy to dismiss or forget about. I’m talking about the critical words that get stuck on a loop in our heads, the one-liners you can (and maybe do) replay in your head in perfect clarity. Those comments are the spirit crushers I’m talking about. When your spouse or child says something that really stings, it’s important to communicate your hurt with your family.
There are a couple of reasons why. First, you need to be able to express yourself and communicate your experience. It’s also important for the other person to know how their words affect you. Speaking up in those moments is important for both parties in the relationship.
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It’s challenging to have this follow-up conversation in a productive way. When you’re hurt, your emotions are all over the place, and you’re more likely to raise your voice, use words like “always” or “never,” lash out in an effort to make them feel as hurt as you’re feeling, or any number of other things that aren't helpful if the goal is to have a meaningful conversation.
It may be helpful to wait a bit to have the follow-up conversation. Everybody may need some time to cool off and let the emotionally charged nature of the conversation die down. It’s important to remember the goal of the follow-up conversation is not revenge; your goal isn't to make them feel bad because they made you feel bad.
Rather, the goal is to express yourself and your needs in the hopes they'll be met in the future. When you have these difficult but important conversations, I believe you’ll be winning more often at home.
— Dan Seaborn is the founder of the Zeeland-based group Winning at Home, which supports and nurtures marriages and families. Email questions or comments to hometeam@winningathome.com.
This article originally appeared on The Holland Sentinel: Winning at Home: The power of words
