The Woke Agenda Finally Came For Our Sexy M&M’s

the green M&M
M&M's / Via mms.com

I have to confess that I don’t know much about the anthropomorphic chocolates that, until Monday, served as the “spokescandies” for the M&M’s brand, aside from the fact that the green and brown ones are canonically hot girls.

But I am outraged that the official M&M's Twitter account announced Monday that the spokescandies will be taking an “infinite pause” mere days after they reentered the culture war discourse. They will be replaced by actor Maya Rudolph, a human woman.

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“We get it — even a candy’s shoes can be polarizing,” the statement from @mmschocolate said. “Which is the last thing M&M'S wanted since we’re all about bringing people together.”

The mention of shoes appears to be a reference to Fox News host Tucker Carlson’s rant from January 2022 about how the company made the characters less sexy by changing their footwear.

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“M&M’S will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous,” he says in his monologue.

For once, I agreed with him. Will the woke agenda never cease to discriminate against beautiful women like the green and brown M&M’s? Let the cartoon candy be hot, and let all the other characters be whatever they’re meant to be as well. I guess the orange one is anxious. The yellow one seems bossy, but that’s just my opinion.

I know I’m not alone in my outrage.

“TUCKER CARLSON FLEW TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN AND GOT THE GREEN M&M BANNED OUTRIGHT. TRULY A MODERN DAY ICARUS,” one user tweeted.

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Carlson lost me when he again ranted against M&M’s in January 2023 after the company announced a package containing only the female candies.

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“The green M&M got her boots back, but is apparently now a lesbian maybe?” he said, adding that he believes the purple M&M is “plus-size.”

Faux outrage aside, I have a hunch that firing the spokescandies is likely just part of a marketing campaign by parent company Mars meant to jokingly respond to the culture wars. According to TMZ, Rudolph confirmed the suspicion that this is the run-up to a Super Bowl ad campaign.

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Were the spokescandies silent, or silenced? Is this a labor violation against a unionized workplace, and if so, is Rudolph a scab? Will Baby Nut be upstaged? We’ll have to wait to see the latest installment of this ad campaign to figure it out.

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