New York is a nice city — but it’s no Charlotte

Melissa Oyler
·3 min read
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Writer’s note: This story is parody and is an answer to this one. This author lives in Charlotte but absolutely adores New York City.

Could you be any louder ... Big Apple?

I’ve never lived in New York City, but I’ve visited it more times than I can count. I’m used to crowded, urine-smelling subways, packed buses, sidewalk vendors and Chinatown alleys, Times Square performers, Broadway crowds lined up on busy sidewalks, garbage, rats, roaches, high-priced food, zero parking, confusing subway maps and more.

I do have friends who live in New York. But I also have friends in Charlotte — oh, and it’s where I also live. “Born, educated, raised, working in, living in, family in, dating in, speech, accent definitely developed in” — the Charlotte metro. (Shout-out to Fort Mill schools and Winthrop U., but I didn’t stray far).

To me, breakfast is a carb (pancakes or waffles?), dessert is a large portion of chocolate anything, dinner’s fried and transportation is — well, I rarely drive, but I am not the norm in my area.

I consider foreign travel ... foreign travel.

Let’s talk about trips to New York City.

Breakfast: OK, the city doesn’t have a Famous Toastery or a Ruby Sunshine there. Trust me, I looked, and I know it’s their loss. Your best bet is to find a good listicle like this one and pick a restaurant from there. Last time I tried that, though, I was utterly disappointed. If only they had a Tupelo Honey, I would have been thrilled.

Next, you’ll want to hit up Times Square. Yet, when I went, I found it way too touristy. People talk about visiting New York because it has character, but come on: We also have Olive Gardens and TGI Fridays in Charlotte. Why did I need to fly to New York, then? No character at all.

Food in New York City vs. Charlotte

And let’s not get started on Starbucks in New York City. Once when I was there, I was just trying to peacefully enjoy my grande cappuccino when I had to listen to people standing in the bathroom line, complaining that some guy was in there for well over 20 minutes. Once he came out, no one looked happy or like they wanted to go in next. Their Starbucks locations definitely don’t know how to set calm coffee shop vibes.

Dinner: Everyone says the best place to get a slice is Sbarro. I’m here to tell you, Michael Scott needs to visit Charlotte — he was clearly in the wrong city. We’ll take him to Bird Pizza, or if he wants the best New York style pizza he can get, Bisonte is the place to be. New Yorkers themselves just don’t understand good pizza. Charlotte, though.

What about New York City’s nightlife — surely that beats Charlotte’s, right? Well, you’d think, but here’s the thing: You have to wake up so early in the morning to try to get your cheap Broadway tickets at TKTS that you’ll be asleep by 9 p.m. Best stay in the city that knows how to party — we did it up right in the ‘90s, and we’re still going hard today.