If you're going to escape from jail, maybe IHOP shouldn't be your first stop

Local lore in a small West Virginia town had it that two inmates once broke out of the municipal jail and crossed the main street and broke into a bar (fittingly called the “Appalachian”) where they stole a keg of beer and rolled it back to their cell for a late-night party.

Most stories such as this have a small element of truth, but I never knew the genesis, nor do I remember where I heard about it the first time. This was 40 years ago at least, and the town holding cell did have something of the reputation for being similar to Andy Griffith’s jail in Mayberry, where Otis the town drunk would come and go at will.

I always took this story with a sizable grain of salt, until reading a story in the Washington Post headlined, “Inmates dig out of jail with toothbrush, get caught at IHOP.”

Notably, this happened in Virginia, which will hereby be known as the Florida of the North.

The primary lesson to take out of this — whether it’s beer or pancakes — is, never, ever, begin a sentence with “No inmate would be so stupid that they would … .”

Remember, there was a reason they were in jail in the first place, and it had nothing to do with winning a National Merit Scholarship.

According to the Post, “The two inmates dug out a hole in the wall with makeshift tools, listed as ‘a toothbrush and metal object,’ the sheriff’s office said. The metal object was not described in detail, but presumably the toothbrush was similar to those in general use.”

I’ve said from the beginning that no good would come from putting motors in toothbrushes. We have the kind that vibrate so violently that the gyroscopic forces make it hard to hold them still enough to apply the paste. If they can take out a masonry wall, imagine what they do to your teeth.

So you wonder if these two guys (you have to assume they were guys — sorry) had a “Shawshank Redemption” moment, like when Andy Dufresne was carving his name in the wall and the aging mortar began to crumble. Except this pair got out in 20 minutes, not 20 years, making you wonder about Andy Dufresne’s overall competence as an escape artist.

Of course Andy Dufresne went to the bank, not to IHOP, so there the storylines diverge.

IHOP. Look, I understand them not going to Le Pavillon, but IHOP? That’s not even Cracker Barrel. And what’s an IHOP doing in Southern Virginia anyway? I would have expected the goons from Waffle House would have by now paid them a visit, saying it would be a “real shame” if the cook’s ears wound up in the batter.

All you can think is that prison food must really be bad if your first move is an IHOP play. Of course how many restaurants are going to let you in if you’re wearing orange?

To provide context though, I was in line at a convenience store once and ahead of me were a couple of guys, one of whom had just been released from an unspecified time in the regional jail. His first stop was for coffee and a pack of cigs, but the whole time he prattled happily about doing something he’d dreamed about for the past however-many months: having dinner at McDonald’s.

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There’s usually a line between funny and sad, and it was difficult to plot exactly where this came down on the graph paper.

Very similar is the fact that one of the two inmates was doing time on very minor charges including “failure to appear.” He was probably going to be out in a week, now he’s looking at 20 years. Worse, you’re not going back to a prison where you will be known reverently as the Mecklenburg Six.

For evermore, you will be the Pancake Pair. I hope the canned whipped cream was worth it.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.

This article originally appeared on The Herald-Mail: Toothbrush jailbreak ends at IHOP; hope canned whipped cream worth it