If You're Ordering From The "Secret Menu" At A Restaurant, We Can't Be Friends
If you pay even a little attention to food news and trends you've probably seen a headline about a so-called "secret menu item" floating around at one point or another. Whether it's a Quesarita from Chipotle or a Double Grilled Cheeseburger from Five Guys, it seems like everywhere you look, people have supposedly cracked the secret menu code.
But what if I told you that secret menus are, in fact, a very bad idea?
Let's back up here a second and define what a "secret menu" is, for those who don't know. If you're not familiar with the term, a secret menu is a list of foods that you can make at certain restaurants and fast food chains but that are not listed as options on-menu. It's simple math, as former Kitchenette writer C.A. Pinkham wrote in a similar piece. If a restaurant has buffalo sauce and chicken, the people working there can probably make you a buffalo chicken sandwich. But this simple fact has e n t h r a l l e d people. A whole culture has been started surrounding making and ordering these items from restaurants. And that is not a good thing.
For one, something on the secret menu is pretty much never going to be as good as something on the normal menu. The lovely people making your food (who we will get to in a minute!) have been trained and prepped to make a certain number of items that are readily available for everyone to order. Think about how whacky it gets when you try to make one simple modification to your meal. Now, imagine you tried to make 10. What you're making wasn't meant to be a thing! To paraphrase Zaddy Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park, people who make secret menu items are so concerned about whether they could, they didn't stop to think if they should.
Chain food is a delicious gift. Why would you want to ruin it by creating a Frankenstein's monster of a meal when you can enjoy the already off-the-wall items already gracing fast food menus, like a fried chicken donut sandwich! Do you think you can top that? You can't!
For another, to order these things sounds silly at best and rude at worst. Sure, some secret menu items are not so bad and might even be borderline genius, like asking for Big Mac sauce on your normal cheeseburger at McDonald's. But I'd argue that's not a secret menu item, that's adding a condiment they have readily available. But ask for something like chicken patties in the place of buns, or a quesadilla from Chick-fil-A, and then I have lost all understanding of why you are the way you are.
Also these things tend to have silly names (like the Zebra Frappuccino) or even gross and bad names (like the McGangbang or the Suicide Burger). It's like when you go to a bar and they have super cutesy names for their drinks and you're like "why can't I just order a normal-sounding thing" but you have to tell the bartender you want a drink called like "I am having a peachy day" and you feel stupid. You're doing that to yourself! You're choosing to do this!
But "Kristin, you have no joy!" I hear you cry. "You lack whimsy!" Yes, you are correct. Guess what took that away from me? Being a fast food cashier! Working in the service industry is ridiculously tough. Often you'll have long lines and even longer hours along with unhappy customers, so the last thing a person working in fast food needs is some rando asking for something they've never even heard of and who will probably be annoyed when they get it "wrong."
Food is supposed to be fun, but it's not fun to make other people suffer so that you can get an Instagram. There are real reasons to get substitutions, even major ones, at restaurants. Simply wanting the clout and wanting to get a cool Instagram is not one of them, in my opinion.
Listen, I know this is not going to stop anyone from ordering whatever weird trendy item is gracing the internet this week. And even some current fast food employees may disagree with me and love making this stuff. But the least you can do is show courtesy to the people making your food (which you should always do, by the way!) by making sure they're not busy when you order off-menu. Also you should make sure you're letting them know exactly how to make it and assuming a Burger King employee knows what the hell a Rodeo Burger is. That is, again, if you MUST.
Or ya know, you could order your normal food, thank the nice people for feeding you and leave! Just some food for thought.
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