If we’re going to make memory a qualification for higher office, we’re all in trouble

It seems these days that one of every 12 Americans must be a special prosecutor. This month one of their legions said, disappointedly, that there is no evidence of criminality in the classified documents that were found at the president’s private residence.

But then he got in a sucker punch, saying that President Biden came across as a forgetful, kindly grandfather that no jury would convict.

This touched off a firestorm in both parties over the president’s fitness for office, particularly if he were elected to another four-year term.

On the other side, we have the presumed Republican nominee who, in a deposition for special prosecutor Robert Mueller, said either “I do not remember; I do not recall; I have no recollection; I have no independent recollection; or have no current recollection” a total of 30 times.

And this was as a young and spritely 72-year-old. So if we’re going to make memory a qualification for higher office, we’re all in trouble.

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My personal advice would be, don’t try to be something you’re not. Embrace your age.

Ditch the bicycle, forget the aviator sunglasses — grow a long white beard and sit in an overstuffed chair wearing a shawl reciting Chinese proverbs that don’t make any sense, like “The door that opens first opens last.”

The people would eat it up with a spoon, Uncle Joe. Great leaders have in their time even pretended to be older than they were.

Historians say that as George Washington’s soldiers were about to rebel over the failure of the government to pay their wages, the great general appeared before his troops wearing a new pair of glasses, saying, “Gentlemen, you must pardon me. I have grown gray in your service and now find myself growing blind.” The soldiers agreed to keep fighting.

Youth is overrated. Joe Biden needs to be able to explain why Hamas hates Netanyahu, not why Nicki Minaj hates Megan Thee Stallion.

We’ve had lots of presidents who haven't been on top of their game. Reagan slept through cabinet meetings during his second term. Wilson was incapacitated by a stroke, and even Washington himself was bedridden for six weeks due to a leg infection.

And not all 80-year-olds are created equal. You want a piece of an octogenarian? You might want to read this first, which was in the Albany Times-Union:

“An 80-year-old North Country woman was arrested Thursday after State Police said she wrapped a nebulizer cord around a nurse's neck and shoved the nurse into a closet. Troopers determined the woman wanted a nebulizer treatment, but the nurse advised her it was not yet time for that.”

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So watch out, whoever the Speaker of the House is this week. You hold up Ukrainian aid and the president’s going to be coming at you with an IV tube.

Nurses had been through so much with Covid and now this. I don’t know how nurses do it, as it is. They have to deal with all kinds of human ick, and speaking for myself, I am so super grateful anyone would go into this line of work, even when, after six or seven stabs they haven’t found a vein: “No, really, it’s all my fault, I should have been taking more vein supplements. Here, why don’t stick the needle straight into my ventricle.”

But not this 80-year-old. According to the paper, “the nurse was able to get her hands under the cord, pulling it away from her neck, but the suspect shoved the nurse into a linen closet and started pulling the nurse's hair. Other staff members realized the situation and helped the nurse get away from the woman, troopers said.“

Following the escapade, the old woman was whisked off to the county jail. It was either there or the Oval Office.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.

This article originally appeared on The Herald-Mail: Hey candidates: Don’t try to be something you’re not. Embrace your age